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You know you are Serbian when…

You know you are Serbian when:

1.You’re family still has the plastic covering on your sofa.

2.Your mom uses lard instead of oil to fry eggs.

3.After Slava, you take the head from the spit to school for show-and-tell.

4.Your family owns a coffee grinder and a nut grinder.

5.You hang out with your friend’s “cool parents” who let you smoke while drinking Turkish coffee.

6.Your father tells you to crawl back into your mother’s womb when you screw something up.

7.You have 17 consonants and 2 vowels in your last name. Grandpa has the Inland Steel 25 year club hat and license plate frame and lost three fingers achieving that milestone.

8.Duct tape is your father’s only tool next to using a kitchen knife as a screwdriver.

9.Baba chased you around the house with chamomile to drink and rakija (slivovitz) to rub on your chest when you had a cold.

10.Grandpa still sports the Dinarska Divizija lapel pin.

11.There’s a bust of Cica Draza in your house and a hand made afghan on your recliner.

12.Your family owns a turntable and an 8 track so your parents can listen to Tozovac.

13.You live in Bonnyrigg, St John Park, Dandenong or Keysborough, and going
to visit your aunty in Cabramatta or Springvale is too far, but driving up to St Sava in Canberra for the festival at a moments notice is OK.

14.You pronounce Keysborough as Kizbara.

15.You can hear Ceca pumping in your car, with the subs cranked to the max, two blocks away.

16.Your 15-year-old sister can out-drink any Aussie.

17.You get a C in history, but can recite every Serbian king, in order from Czar Dusan on.

18.Grandpa goes to church in a suit and tennis shoes.

19.You haven’t seen Grandma’s hair since Grandpa died.

20.Your co-workers know the history of Yugoslavia.

21.Grandpa doesn’t own a red tie or shirt. >22.You swear something stupid when greeting a friend “pa jebote konju bre u picku materinu, gde si mi ti???!!!” – I’m not even going to BOTHER to translate this!

23.You wind up in jail before your brother’s wedding for shooting a 9mm in the middle of a subdivision during the wedding gathering.

24.Your parents decided it was time for you to learn English two weeks before you started kindergarten.

25.Your dad never told you about the birds and the bees.

26.You take out a Serb girl for the first time and your parents give you an extra $100 “to have good time” and they buy ducats the next day for the girl just in case “da nesto bude” – translation “in case you decide to get married”.

27.You never went out on a Friday nights because you danced folklor.

28.You understand what ‘made in garage’ really means.

29.A week after every Slava, Christmas and Easter you are still eating sarma and spit roasted pork.

30.At every celebration you get served the same food, the 4s’s: supa (soup), sarma, svinjetina (pork) and salata (salad).

31.At parent teacher interviews your parents tell the teacher to hit you if you don’t behave.

32.When upon returning from your holidays everyone at the airport is staring at you because you suitcase smells of rakija.

33.You explain to your friends that your parents aren’t alcoholics even though it is morning and they are drinking spirits with their coffee and your dad drinks beer before midday.

34.Your colleagues are impressed that you have an investment property and you have just started your first job.

35.After a few years of working there is a pattern on your leave of absence card – you are sick every year on the 7th, 14th and 20th of January.

36.You can dance “kolo’ to ANYTHING including Serbian rock!

37.At your wedding you know only about a third of the people there.

38.At your wedding you have a minimum of 350 guests.

39.At your wedding the first song is always “danas majka zeni svoga sina” – translation “the mother’s son’s getting married today” – hard to translate.

40.At your wedding, if you’re over thirty, the song that gets requested more than “danas majka zeni svoga sina” is “prodje leto trideseto” – translation “your 30th summer has passed”.

41.You have at least 3 slave to attend to on the same day.

42.All slave have the same cuisine “soup, sarma, spit roasted pork”.

43.All weddings have the same cuisine “soup, sarma, spit roasted pork “.

44.All christenings have the cuisine “soup, sarma, spit roasted pork”.

45.You’re a serb girl who tries to look 23 but is actually 15.

46.At least one of your friends name is “Dragan”.

48.You don’t actually attend University, just hang out there and play “tablic” – a card game.

52.Your father calls you a “dummy” for not knowing how to do something he can’t either. 53.Even the fat Serb chicks put on the tightest skirt possible – sad but true.

54.Your father expects you to study or “hit the books” every waking hour that he’s home, and he expects nothing less than an “A”.

55.A cold shiver runs down your spine when your mom threatens by using the word dad” in a sentence.

56.Your Grandpa cuts the grass with knee high black socks and slippers.

57.The mention of “Australians” and “Australia” makes your parents/grandparents go into fits of rage against the “skippy pooftas”!

58.You work out six days a week, but somehow you dad whoops your ass in five seconds after he comes home from a thirteen hour day from the bakery/factory/food business. 59.You own a leather jacket.

60.You have three pairs of black shoes.

61.You drive a nicer car than your parents.

62.There is a 120-gallon barrel of sauerkraut in your garage.

63.There is more alcohol in your liquor cabinet than at the local bar.

64.You hear birds chirping and see the sun rise every time you come home from the bar. 65.Your mother still makes your bed.

66.You are 18 years old but your parents still call you by your brother’s name.

67.Every car your family owns has chrome wheels.

68.Your Grandma calls all cereal “Corn Flakes”.

69.You can hear your dad snoring from across the street.

70.Your dad carries around enough money to buy a car.

71.Your dad wears black socks to work everyday.

72.You wear a DKNY T-shirt when you work out.

73.Your parents never go on vacations because they are afraid to leave you at home alone or a week.

74.Your Grandma swears more than you do.

75.Your dad claims not to be a racist but insists the whole world should speak Serbian. 76.You are prohibited from speaking English in you own home.

77.Before school every morning your parents had to look after the sheep, milk the cows, gather all hay, feed the animals, etc.

78.Both your parents had to walk to school barefoot in the snow, 5km uphill both ways, and over rocks.

79.Your parents can’t pronounce “Thursday” – pronounced “Trzday”

80.Your parents try, but can’t pronounce “Happy Birthday” – pronounced “Heppy Brzday”

81.You argue that your mobile phone is better than anyone else’s.

82.Your mum makes her own bread and slices it with a BIG kitchen knife to a thickness of 5cm per slice.

83.You have the biggest sandwiches at school, always consisting of “prosciutto or salami”.

84.You open up your fridge and all you see on the top shelf is bacon, prosciutto and kobasica (thin salami) in the meat category; onions and hot capsicum in the vegetable category and kajmak (sour cream) for the dairy category.

85.You open your fridge door and on the bottom you see a bottle of rakija your dad uses for the morning swig!

86.Your garden is larger than the local nursery.

87.Your driveway is big enough to accommodate a full size semi in it.

88.Your dad wears ress socks with tennis shoes.

89.Each one of your friends has a distinct, annoying laugh.

90.All the hot girls/guys are your cousins.

91.Your dad starts to swear obsessively whenever he watches CNN.

92.Your parents have gone on vacation ONCE and it was to Yugoslavia.

93.There’s oil stains on your driveway.

94.You know at least one person living off a workers comp “injury”!

95.There’s at least ne relative that your family refuses to talk to.

96.Your dad thinks he knows everything about the world today.

97.He also thinks that everything is a conspiracy between CIA and Vatican!

98.At least nce in your childhood you had to break off a tree branch from your back yard, so your dad could whoop your ass with it, to teach you a lesson.

99.You say “faken” at a rate of 15-20 times per minute.

100.You read this list to your parents and all they have to say in their defence is “IC NAT RU!”

Pojma nemamod kad je ovo. Da se ne baci 🙂

4 Comments
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